WARNING: Some of my following thoughts are heavy, may lack flow, and seem partially irrational. I ask for a measure of grace upfront as a share a bit of my heart.
Have you ever desired more joy, for a greater measure of lightheartedness or of laughter? Perhaps worded slightly different, have you ever felt as though you have lost touch with what you truly enjoy and delight in? Welcome to my world right now…
The struggle came to the surface several weeks ago when I began to wrestle with what to do on my days off. I quickly became aware of the fact that the absence of activity or responsibility does not necessarily provide me with a sense of rest or refreshment, which I so desperately need. I crave something more…to find a place or to engage in some activity that energizes me, that brings to life my passions. I desire to feel alive, to live life to its fullest. I want to find that which gives me pleasure deeply in my soul.
I once heard the writer and orator Dennis Prager maker the point that happiness is a mandate of God. I believe there is a degree of validity to what he is saying. I cannot help but to think that if the Spirit is alive in me, if I have been made alive in Christ, then that sense of vivaciousness should shine through. But this seems far from the reality of who I am at times. I so easily get stuck in the mire of persisting issues and struggles (mostly in relationships) that all too easily rob me of any sense of joy. It seems so easy to quote the phrase, “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” But what does that mean, and what does this joy look like? I think I have jumped through some mental hurdles to convince myself that this “joy of the Lord” is some how detached from the realm of delight, pleasure, and happiness. It is some strange acquiescence to circumstances…to deem all things heavy-laden as the will of God, and then to move on. This cannot be it – the joy of the Lord must be more. I know it is, because I have tasted of it.
Maybe that is what my heart’s cry really is: to taste deeply of the presence of God again. I truly long to encounter him in a way I have not encountered him in quite some time – to see and sense his glory, to feel his nearness, to hear the quiet whispers of his majesty. I want to be awed, to fall to my knees because I sense his holiness. That is the pleasure I seek! Lord, my prayer is simply this: come.
3 comments:
Come in his finality, or come in a renewed sense of his nearness and presence? Certainly, the first would preclude any concern about the second. Than, I cannot tell you how intimately I relate to the "heaviness" in which you speak. I know that our circumstances are not the same; we share very different struggles, but struggles nonetheless.
I cannot count the ways and times in which I have tried entering into some activity that a million times before brought joy and sweet fellowship with the Lord. I can't really explain it, but for example I used to have a very comfortable way in which I relaxed and drove my old Ranger truck (I think I mentioned that once in a teaching context). I can't think of anything less inconsequential, but I miss it. I can't find a place where the coffee isn't too bitter or too sweet, or where the surroudings are cozy and conducive to thought. In summary, I still have not been able to recreate my old habits in my new life. (I still resent the fact I'm supposed to have a new "life.") All this drives an overwhelming feeling of distance - distance from what I knew as normal, distance from God (or at least in how I used to relate well with him).
I'm having to just keep trying - new and seemingly difficult things. It's as if I'm searching under rocks and in dark alley ways. Why is God so hard to find? Is it possible that when we search with such great effort and angst that we miss him "hiding" out in the most visible and obvious places? Is it possible our effort obscures God and steals our joy? I don't know whether this resonates with you, but I sometimes feel that I experience less joy (and almost by default, more worry) because I am so critical about the perceived state of my relationship with Christ. I steal my own joy by my overly analytical nature.
I guess the other thought lets me use big words. Do we error in thinking we can supplant the realities of present circumstances with the truth of an eschatological joy? Does the mere truth of the work of Christ in one's life cover over the pain and difficulty of daily life? I don't think so. I think it certainly gives hope that present circumcstances aren't all there is, or all there will be; but it doesn't miraculously manifest all things to some measure of joy. Oh, that it would! Contrary, neither should we assume that all things heavy are set before us to "test" our joy in the Lord.
When I read your post, my sense of your overall desire is for life to be less complicated, difficult, with more pleasure and ease. With this comes an emotional "margin" that allows us to better receive from God that which comes to us. Without this emotional margin our activities are hurried and stressed, even if we have plenty of time and space, because we can never be totally present in the acivity.
I may be off the mark in understanding your frustration. If not, then perhaps my thoughts are helpful in connecting with your struggle and providing some food for thought.
As for advice:
1) Do the same things.
2) Try new things.
3) Be completely selfish in doing or taking what you need to refresh your soul and find joy in life.
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